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Family Lawyer says: Make sure your kids don’t get double sprouts - planning Christmas across two households.
9 December 2008

Christmas is traditionally seen as a time for families. As most parents know only too well, it can bring plenty of challenges too.

Christmas can require particularly careful planning for divorced and separated parents, according to family law group Resolution, which works to make sure the needs of children come first when families breakdown.

After all, how many children want to end up with double servings of Brussels sprouts? More seriously, Mum, Dad and the children can find themselves feeling confused, disappointed and frustrated during the festive season.

“Christmas across two households can be difficult for children and for their parents too. With a bit of planning and a willingness to compromise, separated parents can go a long way to ensuring that their family still has a merry Christmas,” says Tony Roe, principal of Tony Roe Solicitors, a member of Resolution’s national committee. “The main thing to remember is that you are both still parents and putting the children’s needs first is essential for their well-being and happiness.”

The first Christmas apart can be especially difficult. The emotional pain of the split may still be strong, and even if not, Christmas can bring unfamiliar expectations, pressures and decisions.

Christmas can be difficult for parents who have been separated for some time too. Often both parents may want to be with their children. It is important to remember though, that arguing can be very damaging to the children.

Here are Resolution’s 10 Christmas tips for divorced and separated parents:

1. Put your children’s needs and feelings first. Discuss arrangements with the other parent and try to share both the pleasure and the responsibilities.

2. Plan early. Leaving arrangements to the last minute can make discussions and negotiations more difficult. Keep the kids informed about plans. Agree how handover times will work as these can be particularly difficult.

3. Think long-term and stay flexible. You may want to be with the kids on Christmas Day but there will be other Christmases. It may be fairest to agree to alternate which household the children are at from one year to the next.

4. Don’t ask your kids to choose between Mum and Dad. This puts them in an impossible and unfair position. Difficult decisions should be taken by adults.

5. Let the children know that even though things will be different, Christmas can still be special.Work together with your children to create new Christmas traditions in each home.

6. Take the children to visit family and friends. Christmas can be a good time to strengthen the children’s important relationships with relatives like grandparents or cousins. This also helps provide some stability for children when their lives are changing.

7. Don’t over-do things. Sometimes separated parents can feel guilty which leads to them over-compensating by doing too much. This can overwhelm children and leave them feeling exhausted and stressed.

8. Don’t compete with your ex- over presents for the children. Instead, discuss what presents to buy so that you don’t duplicate. Consider whether it would be helpful to continue the tradition of a joint present from both of you. Allow your children to decide where they will keep their gifts.

9. Help your children make or buy gifts for their other parent. Children need to experience the joy of giving. This also lets them know that you support their relationship with the other parent.

10. Compromise and be positive. If you don’t get exactly what you want, be gracious about it for the children’s sake as well as your own. You can always try a different arrangement next Christmas. If you are spending Christmas without the kids, use the time positively – make plans with close friends and family members or take time to do something special for yourself.

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